The Love of Sex

Maybe “Love of Sex” is a strong statement.  I will say, I really and very much enjoy having sex, because now I finally know and can appreciate what sexual intimacy truly means. It’s a shame, I’ve come to this realization only until after I became single.

Fact remains, at this moment in my life, I’ve never enjoyed sex more than I do now.  I appreciate that God created humans as sexual beings.  Forty two years in the making, I finally embrace and own my sexuality. I’m proud to say that.

Maybe this sounds salacious for a woman of a certain age such as myself. Well, maybe. Perhaps a woman expressing physical enjoyment borders on the inappropriate.  The way I see things though, I’ve spent most of my life trying to be what someone else thought I should be.  Now that I couldn’t give even half a damn what anyone thinks – I will speak my truth: I like sex.

No one can shame this blissfully single Bean for what she’s not ashamed of.

Sex is for Pregnancy, not Pleasure

I grew up in such a suffocating environment. Reared in a conservative Haitian household and the super strict Pentecostal religion – every pleasure a person can experience is wrong or anti-biblical. So sex, of course, was at the top of the list of sinful acts.

Looking back, particularly at my experience in the church, I had to laugh at the insanity of it all.   I truly believe the issues I had with sexual intimacy came from my upbringing in the church.

I vividly remember a season where there was a new doctrine that blew into our church that urged the saints to limit certain sexual acts with their spouses. My pastor’s favorite line: “A mouth that says hallelujah can’t go just anywhere”. Really? So, wait? We’re taught not to have sex until marriage and when that time finally comes, I can’t have sexual freedom with my own husband? Just ridiculous.

I end up internalizing and brought this way of thinking into my adulthood.  Sex was inherently wrong. The act itself is mechanics – strictly a vehicle of procreation. I grew up with the idea that that sex is for pregnancy, not pleasure. Having sex for any other reason than having a baby with your husband, is wrong.

Sex was a Chore

I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21 or 22, which by today’s standards, is old. 

The first time is always awkward – too new to enjoy, but even after I’d become more experienced, sex was not one of my favorite things to do. I found little pleasure in it.

My first couple of partners noticed the disconnect, it felt as if I wasn’t enjoying it.  They were right.  For me, sex was a chore and looking back at it, I wasn’t fair to them.  I couldn’t let go of my earliest preconceived notions and those came from the church – sex is wrong.  I can’t enjoy it because I’d be a sinner. My mindset at the time is a perfect example of how Christianity can be used in a wicked game of mind control.  One that can affect a person throughout a lifetime. It took close to 20 years, a failed relationship with the father of my children and disillusionment to change the way I viewed sex.  

Disillusionment, Anger & Sexual Frustration

Again, my perception about sex didn’t change until the disillusionment of life hit me. 

I was cautious.  Not only did I have sex at a later age, but my sexual partners at the time were limited to my first boyfriend, then my children’s father.  By age 37, I’d only been intimate with two men.  That’s it. I just knew that if I took a conservative approach towards sex, that God was going to send me a perfect husband to make up for not being promiscuous. A rude wake up call jolts me into reality. Not only did I not end up with the perfect husband, I don’t end up with ANY husband.     

On top of this, when I looked around at the other girls I grew up with– those who could give a crap who was telling them to keep it shut and did whatever they wanted, they were the ones who were happily married.  These girls lived – from giving blow jobs in the back of the church van to sleeping with married pastors; the only rules these girls followed; were their own.  Guess what? They all ended up married. Their reward is what I felt my conservatism deserved.  In the end, these girls lived.  I didn’t.  Now I was sitting here unmarried, resentful, and sexually frustrated. 

Sex Full Circle

After I ended things with my children’s father, I spent a considerable amount of time single.  During this time, I didn’t date, wasn’t interested in entertaining any male company – no sex. Three years later though, this abstinence thing is getting old. I’m a human, sexual being and I wanted to get physical again. My body called for it. I take the dive back into sex.

When I was finally intimate again, the dynamic changed.  I wasn’t having sex for a man  – I was having sex for me. My pleasure. I wasn’t in a relationship. It’s just me, Blissfully Single Bean fulfilling a desire.

Sex was no longer part of a list of things to do for the day and sex was no longer an “activity” to be struggled through so that I can get on to the important matters at hand – like sleep. Fact is, I wanted sex.  Very badly at that point.  As such, I mentally gave the middle finger to everything I’d been taught and instead, I did something my body called for. I’d been through so much and it just wasn’t that serious for me anymore.  Sex went from chore to a physical release I craved. For Bean, I’ve reached a full circle moment.

Mutual Love

It wasn’t until I fell deeply for a friend turned lover that I understood the fullness of sex coupled with love.  He was amazing. We talked every day about anything you could imagine.  I found myself leaning on him.  When I was going through a major family issue, I’ll never forget how strong his arms felt wrapped around me – that was my first time crying into a man’s chest; I was completely vulnerable.  He became a regular part of my day, it wasn’t “nice” to hear from him; I needed to hear from him.    

Unlike what I’d experienced before, the physical relationship wasn’t paramount.  It was the friendship that was the gel of attraction between him and I. The deeper bond took sex from something fun to do to a soul tie, an inexplicable connection of new heights.   

Casual Sex vs. Love Sex

Casual sex is just that – mechanics.  Sex, between two people who are in love – connected emotionally, mentally and spiritually, is transcendent.  Mutual love.  There is no comparison.  You go from thinking about yourself – to thinking about the other person, taking your time exploring every fold, every curve, ensuring they, not you, are brought to the pinnacle point of satisfaction.  Sex with love is an adventure that only gets more exciting with every encounter. Love sex never, ever gets old.  

Pastor Touré Roberts preaches a sermon on Sexual Wholeness where he says that sex is a form of worship because you let someone completely in.  Sex and love forms soul ties.  In all honestly, I feel that we tend to treat sex too lightly, not understanding its impact and the way it binds people together on a spiritual level.  This is an important act, one, if possible, should be reserved for the one you love.  Anything else compromises this very special act.  

The Blissfully Single Learning on Sex

I’ve learned in life is that I can sleep with whomever I want and the shame I was taught to carry; I no longer feel. For me, good sex is enjoyment and great sex is a connection. I love having sex and that’s just what it is.  I will not allow someone else’s point of view to control what I do or how I feel. Too much time was wasted having someone else think for me.

God understands the human heart and knows that we are imperfect, fallible beings.  If fornication is really the sin that will do me in, then I, along with the millions of other fornicating Christians, we’ll deal with God directly through spirituality; our own relationship with God.

On the flip side, while, yes, it is my choice to open up to whomever I please, that choice comes with a price.  You can lose yourself in the process if a value isn’t placed on yourself and who you decide to sleep with.  Sex without love is trivial and can be emotionally damaging.  

However, sex coupled with love is transcendent.

Love hard friends.      

Blissfully Single and Yours,